Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
