please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
