When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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