Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
