Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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