apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Randomize
