explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
