I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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