I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
