watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
