really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
