I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
