My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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