Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
