I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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