grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
