It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
