u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You have to summon your inner elephant
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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