My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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