1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
