3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
It's Friday. Sex?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
