at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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