I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
