I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I intend to get homeless drunk
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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