just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Randomize
