The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
