So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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