if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
