I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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