her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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