final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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