I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
