The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
cat food counts as protein by the way
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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