dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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