There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
