i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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