true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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