Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
