So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
