why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
