I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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