she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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