i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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