If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
