I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
