Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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