that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
