: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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