She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
