Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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