oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
